Poop-Odyssey:15 days of colon cleansing and epiphanies
The other day, I took my first ever Kundalini yoga class. It was a sort of spur of the moment type of thing. What started out as me searching for a specific essential oil to buy at this yoga spot turned out to be me not only buying the oil of my choice but also signing up for not one but 10 yoga classes! Go big or go home right?
There was something about this experience that felt like I was being guided and so I decided to trust my inner guidance and just go for the 10-class package. The class was called Yoga & Meditation.
“Easy enough”, I thought. “I could use a little stretching and meditation to start my day.” The class seemed pretty easy but was unlike other yoga that I had experienced. For one, there wasn’t a lot of downward dog action going on. In fact we seemed to be sitting cross legged style for most of the kriyas (exercise sets). There seemed to be a lightness in the air which was different than the competitive feeling that I’ve felt in yoga classes prior. I’ve never been a consistent yogi but this seemed quite inviting.
My ego was in full swing. “Yeah baby! This is too easy…sitting yoga?!?…I’ve got this!” However, within the first 20 minutes of class, I realized that my legs and the base of my spine began to ache. I had forgotten about the tightness in my thighs that had long been an issue for me. Maybe “sitting yoga” wasn’t such a good idea after all. I could feel a restless fatigue starting to set in. Despite sitting, I could feel myself exerting a lot of energy. That’s when the emotional stirring started. Something about the yoga instructor’s voice started to bug the crap out of me and I became really irritated….almost angry. I began to tap in to the feeling of my breath and focus on it instead of everything that was uncomfortable about this situation. And then that’s when it happened. Out of nowhere I felt unbelievable surrender, joy and gratitude.
I have pondered a few questions since.
Was I irritated because I was coming face to face with my own physical limitations? Was it her voice? Why the sudden joy and surrender? Was I awakening, acknowledging and surrendering to something within me that I had long ignored?
In the book Kundalini Rising by Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa and Dorothy Walters, “Once the Kundalini ‘awakens’ bodily sensations and impulses come into awareness in a way not experienced before; we become incredibly sensitive to both pleasure and pain, as if the cells themselves are firing in awareness as small (or large) explosions of joy and discomfort. Generally, it is believed that pain results when there are ‘blockages,’ that is, constrictions in mind, body, emotions or psyche. People with major unresolved psychological issues as well as those with serious physical challenges, may be especially at risk. As the Kundalini works through the system, it flushes out these hidden blockages, and presses on until they are cleared.”
I guess I still have a lot of clearing to do. The jury is still out on the above statement as it relates to me personally. It makes sense kinda but somehow I struggle to admit the extent to which I still have to work on myself and my own self-imposed limitations.
I do know that I will go again to class and I am willing to surrender to whatever happens as my life continues to reveal itself both on and off the mat. But what I can’t stop thinking about is the parallel between colonics and Kundalini yoga. At the risk of sounding new age-ish, it seems to me that both awaken things from deep within that we can either ignore or deal with. Whatever surfaces as a result of the spiritual and emotional cleansing work that we do on ourselves is well worth examining at the exact moment that it arises. No room for delay. The more we ignore it, the more power it seems to have over us. The more we bury it, the bigger it becomes.The more we suppress, the more lethal it is to our wellbeing.
Over the course, of this 15 colonic Poop-Odyssey with Carly, I have seen her dig deep to find meaning and forgiveness for both herself and others. I have seen her reinvent herself, and gracefully reconcile the difference between life before and after this leg of her journey. She has not only awakened the memory of things that lie deep such as the abuse that she has experienced; but she has made the decision to stand up for herself, to confront and address those things that once seemed better left unsaid.
I can’t go into detail about the depths to which she has chosen to go. That is for her to reveal. But what I will say is that this time with her has been incredible. I always learn from those that I encounter. This is especially true of my experience with clients. Sometimes what I learn reinforces my efforts to be a better person. Other times, what I learn reminds me of the places in my psyche that I choose to never return to. And then there are the moments where I learn (again and again) that I simply AM and that this is more than enough. There is something comforting about that latter.
Yoga, colonics, awakening…they all had something in common for me this week. As I write this final entry to day 15 of The Poop-Odyssey it is my earnest hope that we may we all be so blessed to see the various connections as we move about in our day to day. Mostly though, may we all choose to keep honoring ourselves in order that we can steadily and surely get to experience frequent yet random moments of awakening. Perhaps in so doing, we discover the true pearl of wisdom and the priceless gifts such as surrender, joy and gratitude that reside in all of us…Always and in All Ways.
Carly’s Blog Entry:
“Happy birthday,” Fatima said to me as she greeted me with a big hug, and I had to laugh. All this week I’d been surrounded by birthday things going on – people in my neighborhood celebrating, shows on TV having some kind of birthday theme, the birthday song stuck in my head… all of it kind of melted together, and I was taking it as my big sign that indeed, this was a birthday of sorts for me too. And not just because my last day of the colonic intensive fell exactly six months to the day before my actual birthday.
“Really?!?” Fatima exclaimed excitedly. “Did I tell you I celebrate my birth day every month?”
I laughed. “No, you didn’t! Why do you do that?”
“Because it’s my way of marking that hey, I’m a month older!”
“What a neat way to celebrate yourself,” I told her as I set myself up on the table.
It might sound ridiculous to some, but the ending is a little bittersweet. It’s kind of like the end of summer camp – you’ve had some good times, some bad, you’ve learned a lot and gotten to know yourself in a whole new way, and then it comes to an end. On one hand, you’re glad to escape the poison oak and go back home to sleep in a real bed. But on the other, you know you’re going to miss the nights you ran out to the lake to skinny dip in the moonlight. (Note to self: find optimal skinny dipping lake as soon as humanly possible.)
“How are you feeling,” Fatima asked me as we got started. “You’ve got ‘acupuncture’ face.”
I laughed and asked her what that meant – as I had indeed come to her directly after an acupuncture appointment with Erica, so that I could make my last treatment the famed “aculonic.” She responded by making a face that looks like how one would look at their most relaxed, jelly-like state — mouth agog in a lazy smile, eyes dreamy and a bit dopey… it made me laugh.
“I’m good,” I told her, and I meant it. “It’s been a big week.”
“Yeah? What’s been going on?”
There was so much to recount, but briefly… “The connection to myself is so strong now, and I feel completely different in my body,” I told her. “That’s translated to a whole new awareness both inside and outside of me, and it’s changing the way I interact with everyone in my life – and it’s changing the way I write and communicate. I don’t feel so crammed into my body anymore, and that’s because I’m not harboring anything that doesn’t belong there anymore.”
Fatima asked me what I meant by that, and I explained to her how I’d become aware that I was playing a part in a cycle of abuse – and I had to stand up for myself and speak the truth. And the truth is this: by staying silent about things I had been through, and by not making those accountable acutely aware of what had gone on, I just continue the circle of silence. Because those who abused me were also abused, and protected their abusers out of a misguided sense of loyalty or wanting to protect them from what they’d been through, too. But the more we play into this cycle, the more it perpetuates. And I had reached my fill point.
I addressed this with some people in my life, and I did so firmly and directly – which was hard. Because while it’s not – and never is – my intention to hurt anyone, sometimes breaking out of a cycle can hurt the people still in it, even though what you’re saying is meant to encourage breaking free. I’ve had a number of people encourage this in me over the years, and I never really understood what it meant until I had to be in that position. One person I addressed reacted badly, which I somewhat expected… but the thing that was interesting about the experience was that I didn’t take it personally. I knew it wasn’t about me so much as it was about what I was revealing, and that it was painful to take in.
“That means you’ve risen above it,” Fatima said sagely.
“Really?” I could feel the excitement building – and it felt like accomplishment.
“Absolutely,” she told me. “It doesn’t affect you the way it once did, so it’s not sucking you down anymore.”
It felt like Christmas came early and Santa brought me exactly what I wanted.
Then we launched into a discussion about my latest – and last – leg of my juice cleanse. To close things out, I decided to go with Moon Juice in Venice, and chose to do their Rainbow Cleanse. It was a completely different juicing experience from the previous companies I had worked with so far, and was the perfect compliment to finish my health intensive.
What made it different? For one, the juices. The flavor combinations were unique and amazing. I think my favorites had to be the Carrot, Lime and Coconut, with coconut meat that made the drink taste rich and thick, but not milkshakey or overbearingly cloying. Then there was the Gingered Lemon and Spiced Yam, the latter of which paired yam with carrot, red apple, ginger and cinnamon – seriously, it was too good. Even drinks that I thought sounded strange really hit the spot, like the Watermelon, Tomato and Lime – which I started to crave. And then there was the piece de resistance – the Deep Chocolate, a combination of cacao, maca, cinnamon, almond milk and stevia. Any synonym for “delicious” under-describes it.
What I liked about this juice cleanse was the variety of juices – you still got your greens in (there was Goodness Greens and Canyon Greens, featuring goods like chard, spinach, kale and more), but there was also a mixture of flavors to balance that out throughout the day – and throughout the cleanse. What I drank on day one wasn’t the same as what I drank on day two, so there was a good variety and I didn’t get bored. Plus, you get eight drinks in a day, so there’s really no chance of feeling hungry – at least, there wasn’t for me. I was raving about them so much that Fatima managed to write down their information in the middle of our session.
Speaking of, our last day discussion was pretty light-hearted. We talked about pop culture nonsense and general silliness that has been happening in our respective lives, discussed our hopes and dreams for the future, and – of course – we talked about poop.
“Girl, you are just going today,” Fatima enthused.
“Like, the whole time?”
She nodded. “Every time you speak your truth, it’s like your colon is saying, ‘Hallelujah!’”
I laughed. Even though I know this isn’t going to be our last time working together, I know I’m going to miss these weekly pow wows with her.
The water ran for a little while, and Fatima kept one eye on the tube, noting, “You’ve been running clear for quite some time. How do you feel?”
“Kind of done,” I told her.
“Okay, turn on your side.”
I did as told… and then out of nowhere, I felt it – cramping. Nausea. Like something needed to release. Fatima jumped into action – rubbing my back, pressing different pressure points to get me to release, then finally, she gave me some instructions. “Okay, lay more on your left side so that you’re completely rested on it, then start jiggling your stomach.”
I did as told. “Ugh,” I exclaimed, feeling the pressure.
“It’s happening,” she said, continuing to rub my back.
And then finally… sweet release.
“Good girl,” she crowed. “That was like your colon saying, ‘Thank you everyone, and goodnight!’”
I laughed. “It just took a bow.”
“And the audience is giving it a standing ovation!”
Seriously – I never thought colon hydrotherapy could be this fun.
One thing I forgot to mention while Fatima and I were working – she was telling me how tons of her clients were having big breakthroughs lately. For example, she would have clients coming in with these emergency needs after detoxing to retox, or eating things that they know doesn’t agree with their constitution, and then come in looking for – as she put it – “The Poop Messiah.”
And I realize, that’s who I’d kind of been when it came to my health. I’d get myself well, decide, “I’m fixed!” and go do the same thing I did to get myself sick, and then go into an emergency mode to treat everything. But I realized during these 15 days with Fatima that not only did I not want to do that anymore, but I deserved to treat myself better. Scoff all you want, but I recognize that whole concept of your body being a temple and what it all means now. I’m 37, and I’ve spent a lot of time fighting with my body, arguing with it, telling it it needed things it doesn’t and forcing it to do things that my intuition was telling me it didn’t want to do – like eating boxes of cookies rather than processing my emotions, or not taking it for regular maintenance for a variety of bullshit reasons that mean nothing in the end.
‘Cause the bottom line is this – this shell is the only one I’ve got, so I want to feed and treat it well with good food, good thoughts, good treatment and good care. It’s taken me a long time to get to this understanding, and now that I’m here – and I feel what this feels like, and I feel how good it feels – I can’t imagine backsliding this time. I’m over the hump. I’m on the other side. And now, I can see what my body can really do, and is really capable of. It feels like an exciting time of exploration, realization, and self-betterment on a whole new level. From this place, I can build.
As for my partnership with Fatima, it will continue on a maintenance level going forward. In a way, I feel like I’m being kicked out of the nest, but it’s also perfect timing. My body feels ready to do what it needs to do now, and to get back onto solid food, and to learn what it likes and doesn’t like from this new space. My relationship with food has changed a lot – hell, my relationship with myself has changed a lot, and I’ve found something that I’ve been searching for for a long, long time: the real me.
